DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
