Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
