I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
