she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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