I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
