Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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