It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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