My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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