I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
