I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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