You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
