My friends, they love my intelligence
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
