You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
