The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
