So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
