Where did you get a picture of my penis
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
