dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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