I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
