If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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