It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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