i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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