my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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