I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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