I wanna passion pit in your ass
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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