Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Your cock deserves a montage
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
that is very illegal...i love you.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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