My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
