tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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