Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
