I met the friendliest cop last night
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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