I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
