sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
