Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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