Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
