capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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