My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Randomize
