my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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