his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
