You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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