I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
