We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
