nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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