Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
