theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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