oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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