My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
