Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
