I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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