Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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