I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
