plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
