Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
